Simon vs. the Bonus Emails



Simon vs. the Bonus Emails

We’re taking you straight into Simon’s email archives for an exclusive sneak peek at his early correspondence with Blue. Even if you haven’t read SIMON VS THE HOMO SAPIENS AGENDA by Becky Albertalli yet you can still read these emails. There are no spoilers! Consider this a sneak peek into the positively adorable relationship between MC Simon and the mysterious Blue. Want to know more? Grab a box of Oreos and start reading the first seven chapters here!

DATE: Sep 12 at 9:08 PM
SUBJECT: you asked for this
I mean, I actually have approximately fifty gazillion most embarrassing moments, but this one is the literal worst. And I’m going to take you at your word that you’re up for hearing this. Just remember: I warned you. Dun dun dunnnnnnn.
So, I think I was about six years old, and we were at the pool. It was a super hot day, and it was really crowded. And – I actually remember this – I felt like I had to fart, so I just went for it. BUT THIS WAS NO MERE FART. It was…yeah. So, at the time, I figured it was just a turd, and therefore not a big deal, so I kind of shook it out of my bathing suit and kept swimming. (Yes, I was the dumbest freaking kid alive.)
Anyway, OF COURSE someone saw it, and everyone freaked out, and it was this huge commotion. We all had to get out of the pool so they could disinfect it, and everyone was standing around in their towels trying to figure out who did it. I honestly remember thinking, “Hoooooly fuck.” (Okay, I was six, so it was probably more like “heck” and “dang.” But seriously: FUUUUUUCK.)  I was just like, “Dear God, do not let these people find out it was me.”
Everything ended up taking so long that my dad decided to just bring us home. And I was actually relieved. Like, I was just so ready to get the fuck out of there, and so glad no one had ID’d the turd. I couldn’t believe I’d gotten away with it.
But in the car on the way home, my dad starts singing: turd, turd, the turd is the word. And then we get to a red light, and he turns around and gives me this huge fucking wink.
*drops mic*
(Please still be my friend, Blue. I’m so much less gross these days.)
– Jacques
DATE: Sep 13 at 7:15 PM
SUBJECT: RE: you asked for this
No, don’t worry – I didn’t even live in Atlanta when we were six. J That is tragically funny, Jacques. Though, now I’m worried you’re going to be disappointed when I tell you mine.
So, I used to be really into Barney (the alleged “dinosaur sensation”). I had this really gross stuffed animal I carried around and slept with at night, and I used to chew on its hands when I was nervous. And, according to my mom, I spent the entire ride to Kindergarten every day crying and begging her to let me bring Barney to school.
Well, one morning, I think she gave up, and she told me to just bring him. I remember hugging Barney in the car, feeling really victorious. When I got to school, I carried him all the way down the hall to my classroom, and then it suddenly hit me that this was the world’s worst idea. Like, I was standing there in the doorway with everyone looking at me, and that was the moment I knew: Barney is the worst.
So, I did the only thing I could think of in that moment: I started gnawing on Barney’s hand.
One thing I really love about moving here is that no one calls me Dinosucker anymore.
PS: I did finally stop sleeping with Barney when I was about thirteen.
PPS: No, I’m kidding. I was eleven.
PPPS: And a half.
PPPPS: You still think I’m cool, right?

Want more Simon? Start reading the first seven chapters here!


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